Understanding why young people self-harm: what every parent needs to know

Discovering that your child may be self-harming can feel frightening, confusing, and deeply overwhelming. Many parents immediately ask themselves: Why would my child do this? or What have I missed?

But self-harm is rarely about attention-seeking or manipulation. More often, it is a coping strategy, a way for a young person to manage emotional pain that feels unbearable, confusing, or impossible to express.

In When Your Child Self Harms, Natasha Devon and contributors explore the emotional realities behind self-harm and offer a compassionate framework for understanding and supporting young people through it.

What Is Self-Harm?

Self-harm is any behaviour that causes harm to oneself in order to gain temporary relief from overwhelming thoughts, feelings, or experiences.

While cutting is often the first thing people think of, self-harm can take many forms, including:

• Burning

• Hitting or scratching

• Taking unnecessary risks

• Self-neglect

• Misusing substances

• Online self-sabotage

• Restricting food or sleep

Importantly, not all self-harm is fully conscious or planned. Some behaviours happen impulsively, habitually, or during moments of dissociation.

Why Do Young People Self-Harm?

One of the book’s strongest messages is that understanding why a young person self-harms matters more than focusing solely on the injuries themselves. Two children may present with very similar behaviours while having completely different emotional reasons underneath.

Self-harm usually develops from a combination of emotional pressures, unmet needs, difficult experiences, and limited coping strategies.

Some common reasons include:

1. Trying to Feel in Control

Adolescence can feel chaotic and powerless. For some young people, hurting their own body becomes the one thing they feel they can control.

This is especially common in young people experiencing:

• Family instability

• High expectations

• Trauma

• Feeling controlled by adults

• Lack of autonomy

2. Releasing Overwhelming Feelings

Some children struggle to express emotions verbally. Self-harm can become a physical release for feelings they cannot explain.

Young people often describe it as:

• “letting pressure out”

• “releasing a valve”

• “making the feelings visible”

3. Converting Emotional Pain Into Physical Pain

Emotional suffering can feel invisible, confusing, and impossible to soothe. Physical pain may feel easier to understand and manage.

For some trauma survivors, self-harm can also distract from painful memories or intrusive thoughts.

4. Self-Punishment

Perfectionism, shame, abuse histories, and harsh self-criticism can lead young people to believe they deserve punishment.

These young people often carry an intense inner critic and may feel:

• “not good enough”

• “a burden”

• “bad” or “broken”

5. Feeling Numb

Depression does not always look like sadness. Sometimes it feels like emotional emptiness or disconnection.

For some young people, physical pain temporarily cuts through that numbness and helps them feel “real” or alive again.

6. Escaping Difficult Thoughts or Memories

Self-harm can temporarily interrupt:

• Flashbacks

• Grief

• Anxiety

• OCD thoughts

• Trauma memories

• Intense emotional overwhelm

The relief is brief, but in moments of crisis, even temporary relief can feel incredibly powerful.

7. Trying to Access Help

Some young people feel invisible until there is visible evidence of distress. Several described experiences where emotional struggles were overlooked until they physically harmed themselves.

This is not manipulation. It often reflects desperation and a lack of safer ways to communicate distress.

The Self-Harm Cycle

One of the most helpful concepts explored in the book is the “self-harm cycle.”

Self-harm often follows a predictable emotional pattern:

Big Feelings

A young person experiences overwhelming emotions such as:

• rejection

• anxiety

• loneliness

• shame

• grief

• trauma triggers

Importantly, it is the child’s perception of overwhelm that matters, not how “big” the problem appears to adults.

“I Can’t Cope”

At this point, the young person lacks the emotional tools, support, or self-worth to manage the feelings safely.

They may experience:

• panic

• emotional flooding

• isolation

• catastrophic thinking

• physical symptoms of distress

Crisis Moment

Emotions escalate until the young person reaches a crisis point where rational thinking becomes difficult.

This is why telling someone to “just stop” rarely works.

Temporary Relief

Self-harm often creates genuine, though short-lived, relief.

This relief may come from:

• endorphin release

• emotional release

• distraction

• regaining a sense of control

Understanding that the relief is real helps explain why self-harm can become habitual.

Shame and Guilt

Afterwards, many young people feel:

• disgust

• shame

• fear

• self-hatred

• panic about being discovered

Sadly, these new feelings often become part of the next cycle.

Common Misconceptions About Self-Harm

The book challenges several harmful myths.

“They’re doing it for attention.”

In reality, self-harm is usually an attempt to cope with overwhelming distress, not manipulate others.

“If they felt ashamed, they’d stop.”

Shame often fuels the cycle rather than ending it.

“Removing the trigger will solve it.”

While reducing stress helps, self-harm can become an automatic coping pattern that continues even when circumstances change.

“Logic should stop it.”

During crisis moments, the emotional brain takes over. Rational arguments are often inaccessible at that point.

Recognising the Signs

Parents are encouraged to trust their instincts. Often, self-harm develops gradually rather than appearing overnight.

Possible warning signs include:

Physical Changes

• Wearing long sleeves in warm weather

• Avoiding changing clothes around others

• Spending unusually long periods alone

• Hidden first aid items or bloodied tissues

• Changes in sleep or appetite

Emotional Changes

• Increased irritability

• Emotional numbness

• Withdrawal from activities

• Harsh self-criticism

• Feeling worthless or burdensome

Increased Stress or Vulnerability

• Academic pressure

• Friendship struggles

• Family conflict

• Bereavement

• Trauma

• Social media distress

Having the First Conversation

Many parents fear saying the wrong thing. But the book repeatedly reminds readers that young people do not need perfect words, they need safe, caring adults willing to show up.

Helpful approaches include:

Stay Calm

Your emotional response sets the tone. A calm, regulated adult helps create emotional safety.

Be Curious, Not Interrogative

Ask open questions:

• “How have things been lately?”

• “What’s been feeling hardest?”

• “What happens for you before you hurt yourself?”

Validate Feelings

Validation does not mean approving of self-harm. It means acknowledging the emotional pain underneath it.

Listen More Than You Speak

Silence can be powerful. Many young people need time to find words for experiences they barely understand themselves.

Say the Loving Things Out Loud

Some struggling children genuinely cannot believe they are lovable or worthy of care. They may need repeated reassurance that:

• they matter

• they are not a burden

• they are not alone

• support will continue

Recovery Is Possible

Perhaps the most hopeful message throughout the book is this:

Self-harm is a coping strategy, not an identity.

With understanding, emotional safety, healthy coping tools, and appropriate support, young people can and do recover.

The earlier support begins, the easier it can be to interrupt the cycle, but it is never too late.

Parents do not need to have all the answers. Often, the most powerful thing a child can experience is an adult who stays calm, stays present, and keeps showing up with compassion.